Tuesday, January 10, 2012

You haven't lived until...

There are certain things you will experience in life that 'make it real' and keep you humble. At least one time in your life you need to fall down in public. Since you won't take it well the first time, I suggest trying it more than once. Slip on ice. Don't forget to flail your arms around. Trip up or down steps. Stumble on the sidewalk and break into a jog. I'm sure no one will notice.
Let's not stop there. Drop your soda in the middle of McDonald's. Wait until your groceries are all rung up, or the gas is already in the vehicle, to realize you forgot your wallet. Get pulled over by a cop on a road where several of your friends and co-workers are sure to pass. Splatter your outfit with food or baby spit-up first thing in the morning, but don't notice until you get to work. Wear two different shoes, or blue socks with your black dress shoes.

These are just a few of the experiences we need to remind us that we are flawed human beings and keep us from being overcome by confidence or arrogance. But there are some experiences in life that really define your existence. They test your fortitude.

I've discovered that you really haven't lived until you take two toddlers with you to the gynecologist.
Okay, so this is a girl thing. Guys, you'll have to try to pick your own experience that may be the equivalent. Let's not be embarrassed. All women (should) go to the gynecologist for a yearly exam. A simple check up, like getting your teeth cleaned. Or not.
Yesterday I survived the annual modesty-stripping adventure.
Drew was excited to go to the doctor with me. He always enjoys his own check-ups and walks out with a sucker or sticker. He figured this would be just as fun.
I was prepared to distract them. I had a diaper bag filled with cheerios, a sippy cup, and two packages of fruit snacks. I told Drew he had to wait until the doctor came in to get the fruit snacks. You see.... I had a plan! In the mean time, Macy was munching on her Fruity Cheerios, leftover from breakfast. By the grace of God, the nurse and doctor didn't keep us waiting too long. I'm guessing the squeal of the 19 month old when her brother tried to steal her cheerios was a signal to the staff that we had a ticking time bomb in the room. I quickly changed into the half robe-thing and the paper skirt. Drew, of course was already asking questions that only a 3 year old can come up with. I reminded him that he and Macy took their clothes off to get checked at the doctor. He accepted that and insisted that I sit on the pretty paper-covered table. He grabs the swinging lamp and crawls up the table using the stirrups as handles. Before I could come up with answers to his questions about just what was that equipment used for, the doctor and nurse arrive. My sweet doctor was thrilled to see the kids. "Oh, they are growing so fast.. so cute.. how are the other two?"
He casually starts the exam.. Now it's time for my plan to kick in. I direct Drew to the diaper bag, strategically placed on the chair behind me, to retrieve the coveted fruit snacks. I had this mental image of him sitting contently on the chair, enjoying his fruit snacks during the exam. Well he must have inhaled the darn things because he was back in about 5 seconds flat, trying to supervise the doctor. The doctor chuckles and comments "We have a budding gynecologist!" I mumble "oh great..." and quickly realize I've probably insulted the doctor and his profession of choice. But really, what good is a doctor in the family if he's a gynecologist? It's not like any family members would go to him!
The kind nurse quickly distracted Drew, drawing him over to the counter to show him her equipment and make small talk about his toys. I sighed and looked to my right only to find Macy watching everything the doctor did with a look of awe on her face. She's was slowly placing each fruit snack in her mouth like popcorn at the movie theatre.
Like any good doctor, he started up a conversation, trying to distract me from what he was doing. I really didn't need any help in that department. I was trying to keep an eye on Drew as he's attempting to grab sterilized equipment, and rationalize with Macy who now decides she wants to come up on the table with me. "Up, mommy! Up, mommy!" Sorry kid, I'm a bit busy right now! And now I'm supposed to hold an intelligent conversation about what we did for the holidays among all of this action?!
My friends, if you are nervous about getting your yearly exam, I suggest taking some kids with you. You won't remember a thing. It was over quickly and the doctor helped me up and happily announced that my bladder and organs are NOT falling down. Well gee, that's great news! Does that happen at 35? Does that happen...ever?! Great, something new to worry about.

Now that the tough part is over, the doc and I can have a face to face conversation. Drew decided he was still hungry since he forgot to taste the fruit snacks. He starts munching on Macy's now-forgotten cheerios, setting the snack cup on the doctor's stool. Oh, this stool spins. One great spin like a Wheel-of-Fortune contestant, and we have a beautiful rainbow of Cheerios flying through the air. Hundreds of tiny, fruit-flavored cereal pieces covered the floor. To my horror, Macy delighted in the crunching sound they made when you step on them. At least it stopped the "Up, Mommy!" recitation. To give the doctor credit, he never skipped a beat in his lecture on the best types of contraceptives as his leaned over to push a button that would signal a clean-up crew. With a sweet smile on his face, he discussed options that will prevent me from adding any more cheerio-flinging or cereal-crunching imps to my family.
We finally wrap it up and the doctor sweetly bids me a good day with a kind smile on his face. I start to get off the table, still in my fine blue robe-thing and paper skirt, when Drew has to find one last way to embarrass me. "Oh, are you done? Is it my turn? I have a pee-pee spot too!" and starts to jerk down his pants. Oh have mercy!

I love that through all of this entertainment, I get a blood pressure reading of 110/80. The nurse looked rather impressed. Oh come on, I've taught middle school, train dogs, and have four kids. It takes a bit more than this to raise my blood pressure!
A few minutes later, as I was quickly trying to usher my two little ones out the door before Drew thinks of any more questions to ask loudly, the doctor laughs and says, "I bet when you were younger you never imagined all of these fun experiences you would have with kids." And I'm thinking if I had a nickle for every time that thought crossed my mind, I'd be able to afford to hire a babysitter and fly solo to my doctor's appointments!
As we finally walked out the door, sans suckers or stickers (to Drew's great disappointment), we passed a mother with two kids that looked exactly the same age as mine. It may have been a bit sadistic of me, but I mentally wished that she have as much fun as I did. I even considered offering to share our cheerios with her.

2 comments:

  1. Foget Drew, I think YOU are the one who deserved a sticker and a sucker after that appointment! You win the prize!

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  2. i'm pretty sure someone would pay for these gems

    ReplyDelete